A monthly letter from D.A. Abrams on leadership, growth, and building organizations that last.
This Month's Theme: Beyond the Golden Rule
Dear Reader,
Most of us were raised on the Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. It is a fine starting point for basic decency. But it has a blind spot that becomes a real problem in leadership: it assumes everyone wants what you want.
They do not.
The Platinum Rule—treat others the way they want to be treated—requires something the Golden Rule does not: curiosity. You have to learn what the other person actually needs, values, and responds to. That takes observation, conversation, and a genuine willingness to adapt your approach.
It sounds simple. In practice, it is one of the most powerful shifts a leader can make.
Where the Golden Rule Fails
Consider recognition. A leader who loves public acknowledgment gives public shout-outs to everyone. The team member who is deeply introverted does not experience that as recognition—she experiences it as exposure. Meanwhile, the leader feels virtuous because he gave her exactly what he would want.
Consider feedback. A direct communicator gives blunt feedback because that is what he prefers. The team member who processes criticism through context and relationship hears that bluntness as hostility—not helpfulness.
The Golden Rule produces good intentions and inconsistent outcomes. The Platinum Rule produces outcomes that match the intent.
Making It Practical
The shift does not require personality assessments or complicated frameworks. It requires three habits:
- Ask, don't assume. "How do you prefer to receive feedback?" is a question too few leaders ever ask.
- Observe what energizes and what drains. People reveal their preferences through behavior long before they articulate them.
- Flex your style, not your standards. The Platinum Rule is about adapting your approach, not lowering your expectations.
From the Blog
This month's featured posts explore communication, career strategy, and the art of building advisory relationships:
- Why the Platinum Rule Beats the Golden Rule — A deeper look at how this mindset shift transforms team dynamics and stakeholder relationships.
- Building Your Group of Advisors — No leader succeeds alone. Here is a structured approach to assembling the guidance you need at every career stage.
- Under-Promise, Over-Deliver: Your Career Superpower — The simplest professional strategy that almost nobody follows consistently.
A Question Worth Sitting With
"Am I leading this person the way I would want to be led, or the way they need to be led?"
The answer to this question changes how you run meetings, give feedback, assign work, and recognize achievement. It is the difference between efficient leadership and effective leadership.
What I'm Reading
I have been revisiting The Inclusion Solution this month, particularly the sections on cross-cultural communication and adaptive leadership styles. The Platinum Rule is at the heart of building genuinely inclusive teams. Browse the full collection on Amazon.
Coming Up
In December, we will close out the year with a reflection on the competencies that matter most for career advancement—the skills that no one teaches in school but that separate high performers from everyone else. We will also share a practical year-end leadership review process.
Ready to integrate Platinum Rule thinking into your leadership approach? Our online courses include practical modules on adaptive communication, or bring the conversation to your organization through a custom training program.
Until next month,
D.A. Abrams